. Get rid of toxic people
Given that we are exposed to emotional contagion, it is not very useful to eliminate our bad mental habits and cultivate positive attitudes if we are not selective with our friends and acquaintances. Negative emotions affect us much more than positive ones, which explains why, after spending the afternoon with a toxic person, we return home feeling down and drained. Psychologist Bernardo Stamateas warns us about this in his book Toxic People: ‘We often allow gossipers, envious people, authoritarian people, psychopaths, proud people, mediocre people, in short, toxic people, the wrong people who constantly evaluate what we say and do, or what we don't say and don't do, into our inner circle.’ Given that negative people tend to gravitate towards those of the opposite sign to suck their energy, the solution is to close doors and, as Otto Scharmer says in his Theory U, ‘Let go.’ The Dalai Lama puts it simply and clearly: ‘Let go of people who only come to share complaints, problems, disastrous stories, fear and judgement of others. If someone is looking for a bin to throw their rubbish in, make sure it's not your mind.’
8. Live more Wabi-Sabi
Many personal goals fall by the wayside, paradoxically, for fear of failure. In this sense, a vital goal for our list may be to allow ourselves to miss the mark, fail, try again, find new options, and learn in the process. There is a very delicate concept in Japanese culture that can inspire us in this regard. Translated as ‘the beauty of imperfection’, Wabi-Sabi encompasses everything that is ephemeral, incomplete or flawed and irregular, just like life itself. For this reason, the Japanese appreciate a cup with an uneven shape and texture — imitating nature — even with a crack, more than a uniform object straight from the factory. Allowing yourself to be imperfect is a very powerful goal, as it is through mistakes and awareness of what we lack that we can grow and evolve.
A SAD LAMENT (YOU CAN DO IT)
"If I could live my life again, next time I would try to make more mistakes. I wouldn't try to be so perfect, I would relax more. I would be sillier than I have been, in fact, I would take very few things seriously. I would be less hygienic, I would take more risks. I would travel more, watch more sunsets, climb more mountains, swim more rivers. I would go to places I have never been. I would have more real problems and fewer imaginary ones (...) I would do all this if I had my life to live over again. But you see, I am 85 years old and I know I am dying." ANONYMOUS FALSELY ATTRIBUTED TO JORGE LUIS BORGES
9. Help fulfil the wishes of others.
Logically, not everyone's wishes at all times, as then we would cease to live for ourselves. However, sometimes there is no greater satisfaction than helping a loved one or someone we admire to achieve their goals. These may even be mundane, but our gesture will have great spiritual value. In Jill Smolinski's novel Next on My List, the flatmate of a girl who died in an accident finds a piece of paper with the title: “Twenty things I must do before I turn twenty-five”. Although the person reading the list has never achieved their own goals, they decide to make the deceased's dreams come true as a posthumous tribute. Among the things she has to do are “Change someone's life”, “Kiss a stranger” and “Run 5,000 metres”. If we feel indebted to someone who helped us in the past or there is someone who deserves our effort, fighting for someone else's dream can be great training for achieving our own dreams.
10. Be aware of everyday joys
A simple and very effective life goal is to keep track of the satisfactions that brighten our days, because by focusing on them, we multiply their power. Let's do an exercise and think about what things we would miss if we had to spend a long time in hospital, for example. Let's write down what we would long for, and if we are free now, let's start enjoying all of that. To do this, it is interesting to write down at least one thing at the end of each day that we have particularly enjoyed: a conversation with a friend, a bite to eat that was better than we imagined, an exciting chapter in the book we are reading, the colour of the sun's rays filtering through the clouds... We are used to hearing that there are a thousand reasons to complain and be pessimistic, but the truth is that there are a thousand other reasons to celebrate life and feel fortunate to be here. It all depends on where we choose to look. Becoming collectors of beautiful moments is a goal that will lead us straight to the joy of living.
THE FIRST SIP OF BEER
"How long the first sip seems! It is drunk in one gulp, with falsely instinctive eagerness. In reality, everything is predetermined: the quantity, that neither too little nor too much that constitutes the only ideal; the immediate pleasure topped off by a sigh, a click of the tongue or, just as important, a silence; the deceptive sensation of enjoyment that opens up to infinity... At the same time, we are aware that the best is over. We put the glass down, and even move it away a little, forming a block with the small square of blotting cardboard. We savour the colour; false honey, cold sun. Following a ritual of wisdom and anticipation, we would like to control the miracle that has just occurred and vanished at the same time." THE FIRST SIP OF BEER AND OTHER SMALL PLEASURES IN LIFE, PHILIPPE DELERM
11. Be assertive
On one occasion, García Márquez confessed: ‘The most important thing I learned to do after the age of forty was to say no when it's no.’ We are rarely aware of how important it is to be assertive in order to make our lives easier, so this can be an excellent life goal. For every ‘yes’ we say when we really want to reject the proposal, we pay a toll of time, energy and sometimes money that we take away from our own priorities. Since we need as much space as possible to fulfil the life goals we have just set ourselves, let's look at some keys to expressing ourselves honestly — including to ourselves — without fear of looking bad:
12. Flow with life
In his famous essay Flow, Harvard psychology professor Mihály Csíkszentmihályi spoke of the “optimal experience” that allows us to flow with happiness. Here are some tips:
A purpose to close our list would be to find activities that allow us to ‘flow’ and disconnect from the noise of the world, a form of active meditation. To do this, we only have to explore what we like and give ourselves over to it as a gift, leaving aside any distractions that detract from the intensity and happiness of the experience.
Nothing is impossible: the case of Lou Holtz
Although his specific goals were not emotional in nature, we will close this article with this extraordinary case to demonstrate the extent to which focusing on one's goals can work wonders. The protagonist of this true story is Lou Holtz, who found himself in a critical situation in the mid-1960s. ‘If life bores you, if you don't wake up every morning with a burning desire to do something, it's because you don't have enough goals,’ he said. He was 28 years old, had just lost his job, didn't have a penny to his name, and his wife was eight months pregnant. In an act of personal rebellion, he sat down at the dining room table to write a list of his most extravagant and improbable desires. In a conversation with Brian McCormick for LeaderNetwork, he explained: "My wife went back to her job as an X-ray technician and I became a stay-at-home dad. And it was at that time, feeling depressed, that she bought me that book about goals and I made five categories: things you want to do as a husband and father, things you want to do religiously, things you want to achieve financially, things you want to do professionally, and finally things you want to do on a personal level (such as jumping out of a plane, riding in a submarine, being on the Tonight Show, doing magic, having dinner at the White House, or visiting the Pope). My wife suggested adding “get a job”, and that was the goal. After completing a list that resembled a catalogue of follies, Lou Holtz moved on to the next phase and set himself the following goal: ‘Once you have written down everything you want to achieve in life, make sure that every day you do something specific to fulfil at least one of those dreams.’ To the amazement of many, he managed to accomplish almost everything on that list.
This passionate goal-setter's advice for achieving your goals is as follows:
He adds: ‘I follow three rules: do the right thing, do your best, and show others that you care. You have to make a sincere attempt to have the right goals to begin with, then go after them with the appropriate effort, and remember that you really can't achieve anything great without the help of others.’ And once the goals have been achieved? Then you look for others. When Brian McCormick asked him if he had added any new goals to the original 108, Holtz replied, "Oh yes. There are six we haven't done. I'm looking at an aeroplane. I've always wanted to own my own aeroplane. You'll add other things, but from the original list of 108 goals written in 1966, we've accomplished almost all of them. (...) You simply ask yourself what you want to do and what you're trying to do, and you remind yourself of the word WIN: What's Important Now. Assess the past and focus on the future, which will tell you what you need to do in the present to achieve it. Don't complicate life."
He is an internationally acclaimed author, journalist, and lecturer specializing in psychology and spirituality. Best known for co-authoring the global bestseller Ikigai, his work focuses on personal development, emotional wellness, and finding harmony and fulfillment through a blend of Eastern and Western philosophies.
